Friendly Wednesdays: I Can Show You How to NOT Do Things

Welcome to the latest edition of Friendly Wednesday :) and I am pleased to introduce Lauren from Her Silent Musings as our FW guest this week.  We talked a little about what previous FW guests have written and she came up with this very creative post for all of us:

I Can Show You How to NOT Do Things: The Things I Can't Do Tutorial

1. I can't, apparently, walk gracefully.  I took ballet for I don't know how many years and everyone always complimented my grace, yet I trip over a loose brick - and I'm not just talking about a mild little shuffle - walking to the garage from class the other day.  In order to do this, first make sure you are wearing flip-flops as these are the shoes most likely to cause this embarrassing display of clutziness.  Second, you want to make sure your nose is stuck so high up in the air you can see birds' eggs in the trees.  And lastly, you want to walk in the direct line of fire of a brick protruding from the ground.

2. I can't speak out in class like other students who just air their opinions like dirty laundry.  In order NOT to do this, make sure you sit closer to the back of the classroom.  Never make eye contact with the teacher.  Don't think any coherent thoughts that you'll feel inwardly urged to raise your hand about.  Also, it helps to be severely introverted and frightened of the idea of an entire - sometimes this means over 100 students - class's eyes on you.

3. I can't conserve gas.  This is because I don't know how to drive at or below the speed limit.  If you want to be able to NOT conserve gas and drive the speed limit watch lots of NASCAR, it'll get your blood pumping. Wear Puma shoes.  They just feel so good plunged down against the gas pedal.  Also, make sure you get that cheap gas that burns faster than the expensive stuff.  Because, in addition to your speeding burning out the fumes, you'll need that to burn them faster.

4. I can't go to sleep at a decent hour.  If you're a blogger, this one will be easy peasy.  Just do stuff for your blog into ridiculous hours.  Or keep the TV turned to We so The Golden Girls will be bribing you with another follow-up episode (or Ion with Criminal Minds, that works, too).  And wait to take showers until midnight, or eat dinner at 10:00 or 11:00 instead of a sane hour like 6:00 or 7:00.

5. I can't stop buying books.  When you first get paid, allow yourself a huge book splurge at your local bookstore.  Yeah, you really should save that money until next payday, but oh my goodness those books are just calling you...I mean, look at these bargain sales!  Not to mention, when I go to the library, I will pile about ten books in my arms like I'll actually read them all in two weeks.

6. I can't write my book.  I'm sure just about every writer can relate, and have their own methods of NOT writing.  For me, I'll stare at my computer screen for about a minute, then grab about ten pieces of chocolate out of my candy dish and make pictures with them, then post them to Facebook.

You can read more of Lauren's Musings at Her Silent Musings

When I asked Lauren to tell us a bit about herself she said this:

I love books.  Probably more than what is healthy for your average sane person.  But are any of us really sane?  You’ll have to forgive me if I ask too many questions.  I tend to muse a lot, hence my blog’s name.  My English professor even pointed out that within my papers I ask too many questions.  That should tell me something.  Ironically, that same professor had us pick a word that described us on the first day of class.  I picked curious.  Hmm…  You see, I have this thing for stories, rustic appurtenances with some kind of historical backdrop attached to them.  Things like old letters and postcards fascinate me.  Old movies, classic novels, and my favorite – old, decrepit wood.  Don’t ask.  I just have this fetish.  It’s something about old wood that makes my senses crawl with wonder.  You should also know that I have this thing for Mustangs.  Yes, I drive one.  Her name is Silverada, or Silvy, for short.  Actually, I just totally made that up.  My old Mustang (the ruby red ’98 V-6er was named Old Girl, because, well, obviously she was old).  I look at Mustangs the way some girls look at boys.  And, yes, I look at boys that way, too; just  more discreetly.  I’m currently working on a book.  I wonder if I should even tell people this anymore?  It seems when I say this, whether to myself or others, it’s like digging for some hidden land in the ground and continuously running into a pipeline.  And then all that happens is I am digging this big, stupid, meaningless hole.  And for what, I ask?  For what?  Sometimes I worry that I won’t be able to make my writing crafty and clever enough.  I so terribly want to be clever and crafty, but also poignant and thought-provoking.  I want to say something that matters to people, and not in the boring educational text way.  But the captivating, I-can’t-pry-my-fingers-off -this-book-for-the-life-of-me way.  So badly, I want this.  So badly…

P.S. If you would like to be featured on Friendly Wednesday, please drop me a line at heather at actingbalanced dot com and I will be happy to provide details for you!